The title of this post references one of my favorite pieces of writing, The Desiderata. No one can confirm or deny the author and date of publication, but I don’t think that I would have it differently regardless of those details.
I have not heeded it’s simple words.
I am not gentle with myself. I am cruel, degrading and relentless in my mind to myself.
True story: I received a compliment from a retail worker. (She claims that I always wear the cutest tops.). I was in a gourmet cupcake shoppe. I smiled at her, thanked her, and then in the same tone of voice -calm, quiet, sweet, and said “I hate myself actually, mostly my body. I shop for tops all of the time. My arms are the worst. So I try to only get 3/4 length sleeves…
It took a few more moments of drivel before I noticed her again. I had gone inside myself and starting pointing to various areas of imperfection; kind of like a flight attendant pointing out emergency exits.
Back to reality. She was still there and I was honestly surprised that she hadn’t moved on to another customer. I didn’t say all of that to garner an unearned second compliment. Which is good because I think she was too surprised with my response, she didn’t know what to say. I smiled, lowered my head to acknowledge that days’ blouse.
I apologized for the commentary and reached for my cupcake. Which, by the way, I had lost interest in. It was only going to make things worse.
(Why is this blue?)
See what I mean about failing to be gentle with myself? I’m pretty sure that I had offended her and quickly added that to my self degradation list. (Loser, quit offending nice people).
I don’t have some awful sin to atone. I just said what I was thinking and am always thinking. I have to be more careful in the future with this type of situation. I would rather fix my response than use that energy on accepting myself. Oh the irony.
Does everyone else do this too? You know, hate themselves 24/7? Is there a brain cell that allows this? Is it a depression thing? How about female? Maybe a need for perfection sets me off.
Today I was trying to laminate a card with packaging tape so that I could hang it up somewhere… I wanted it to be in it’s original state for as long as possible. But the stupid tape wasn’t very cooperative. Here I am, trying to get control of the tape and it sticks to the card all weird. Bubbles, creases, imperfect lines which show overlapping. I could just kick myself. The oh-so precious card wasn’t perfect anymore. I had screwed that up too. Upon closer inspection I noticed that there is black dog hair stuck too. Check it out…
Curious about the front of the card? I mean, it mattered so much that I was trying to preserve it…
See? I told you I messed it up. Again with irony. (*sigh)
Creases and tears in the tape. It will never be perfect now. Which is okay -for a card, right?