"The Ron Y Chromosome Nothing Box", 26 letters, Acceptance, Agree to disagree, Air Conditioner, Alice Hoffman, Angels, Another Difranco, Attitude, Autoimmune diseases, Awkward, Bai, Bare, Baseball, Beach Glass, Bills, bills, bills, Black, Books, Brat, Calculating, Candy, Captain Obvious, Car, Cheetos, Cleanliness, Click, Coke, College, Come to Jesus, Control, Cost, Crap!, Cry, Cups, Darwinist, Dean Koontz, Death, Diets, Education, Empty, Fate, Food, Football 🏈, Fur-ever, Future, Galileo, Gas Card, Gene Wilder, George Carlin, Glass, Glimmer, Growth, Guns, Hashimotos, Hat, Hot! Hot! Hot!, Husband, Hypothyroidism, I miss him, Idiosyncrasy, Judge & Jury, Kitten, Learning, Libra, Life, Life changes, Light, Lion, Literary Devices, Logic, Long Distance, Love, Magic, Magnifying, Manager, Marriage, Me, Medicinal Metaphor, Mess, Minimal, MiniMart, Mirrors, Mocha, Mom, Moon, Morel mushrooms, Moving On, Mutt, My bad!, Nap, NASCAR 🏎, Naturalist, Noise Canceling Headphones, Not worth the headache, Nothing, Oops!, Organized, Overheated, Paid, Paranoid?, Parents, Past, Pepsi, Perfect Pair of Jeans, Pets, Pinkdom, Play nice, Playlist, Present, Purses, Quirk, Rationale, Relentless, Respect, Robin Williams, Room 406, Rose, SALE /not sale, Scorpio, Scott Stabille, Scrutiny, Senses, Shattered, Silence, Sisters, Skeleton, Skull, Snapple, Sneaky, Snow, Socks, Soul, Sun, Sunflower seeds, Sunrises, Sunsets, Superstition, Sweat 💦, Teaching, Tears 😭, Telepathy, Tradition!, Trees, Two Sides, Type A, Type B, Uncategorized, Unconditional, Veterinarian, Warmth, White, Windows, Wow, Writing

When?

How do you explain 

     Butterflies in your tummy?

Or how you just know 

     That it’s all going to be ok?

How do you accept an unexpected 

     loss which shatters your soul?

Why didn’t you know?

—–

Acceptance, Attitude, Autoimmune diseases, Awkward, Bare, Black, Books, Brat, Calculating, Captain Obvious, Cleanliness, Control, Crap!, Cry, Darwinist, Diets, Education, Empty, Fate, Food, Fur-ever, Future, Galileo, Growth, Hashimotos, Hypothyroidism, Idiosyncrasy, Judge & Jury, Learning, Life, Life changes, Light, Literary Devices, Logic, Love, Magic, Magnifying, Manager, Me, Mess, Minimal, Mirrors, Moving On, My bad!, Nap, Naturalist, Not worth the headache, Nothing, Oops!, Organized, Paranoid?, Past, Pets, Play nice, Present, Quirk, Rationale, Relentless, Respect, Scrutiny, Senses, Shattered, Silence, Soul, Tears 😭, Two Sides, Warmth, White, Windows, Wow, Writing

Be Gentle With Yourself.

The title of this post references one of my favorite pieces of writing, The Desiderata.  No one can confirm or deny the author and date of publication, but I don’t think that I would have it differently regardless of those details.  

I have not heeded it’s simple words.  

I am not gentle with myself.  I am cruel, degrading and relentless in my mind to myself.   

~~~~~

True story:  I received a compliment from a retail worker.  (She claims that I always wear the cutest tops.). I was in a gourmet cupcake shoppe.  I smiled at her, thanked her, and then in the same tone of voice -calm, quiet, sweet, and said “I hate myself actually, mostly my body.  I shop for tops all of the time.  My arms are the worst.  So I try to only get 3/4 length sleeves… 

It took a few more moments of drivel before I noticed her again.  I had gone inside myself and starting pointing to various areas of imperfection; kind of like a flight attendant pointing out emergency exits.  

Back to reality.  She was still there and I was honestly surprised that she hadn’t moved on to another customer.  I didn’t say all of that to garner an unearned second compliment.  Which is good because I think she was too surprised with my response, she didn’t know what to say.  I smiled, lowered my head to acknowledge that days’ blouse.  

I apologized for the commentary and reached for my cupcake.  Which, by the way, I had lost interest in.  It was only going to make things worse.  

(Why is this blue?)

~~~~~

See what I mean about failing to be gentle with myself?    I’m pretty sure that I had offended her and quickly added that to my self degradation list.  (Loser, quit offending nice people).

I don’t have some awful sin to atone.  I just said what I was thinking and am always thinking.  I have to be more careful in the future with this type of situation.  I would rather fix my response than use that energy on accepting myself.  Oh the irony.

Does everyone else do this too?  You know, hate themselves 24/7?  Is there a brain cell that allows this?  Is it a depression thing?  How about female?  Maybe a need for perfection sets me off.

~~~~~~~~

Today I was trying to laminate a card with packaging tape so that I could hang it up somewhere…  I wanted it to be in it’s original state for as long as possible.  But the stupid tape wasn’t very cooperative.   Here I am, trying to get control of the tape and it sticks to the card all weird.  Bubbles, creases, imperfect lines which show overlapping.  I could just kick myself.  The oh-so precious card wasn’t perfect anymore.  I had screwed that up too.  Upon closer inspection I noticed that there is black dog hair stuck too.  Check it out…

Perfect -Ha!

Curious about the front of the card?  I mean, it mattered so much that I was trying to preserve it…

My favorite part 🎀

See?  I told you I messed it up.  Again with irony.  (*sigh)

Creases and tears in the tape.  It will never be perfect now.  Which is okay -for a card, right?

I love her!
Black Pug -fur shedder.


26 letters, Acceptance, Agree to disagree, Angels, Attitude, Autoimmune diseases, Awkward, Bai, Bare, Beach Glass, Bills, bills, bills, Black, Books, Brat, Calculating, Candy, Captain Obvious, Car, Cheetos, Cleanliness, Click, Coke, College, Come to Jesus, Control, Cost, Crap!, Cry, Cups, Darwinist, Dean Koontz, Death, Diets, Education, Empty, Fate, Food, Football 🏈, Fur-ever, Future, Galileo, Gas Card, Gene Wilder, George Carlin, Glass, Glimmer, Hashimotos, Hat, Hot! Hot! Hot!, Husband, Hypothyroidism, I miss him, Idiosyncrasy, Judge & Jury, Kitten, Learning, Libra, Life, Life changes, Light, Lion, Literary Devices, Logic, Long Distance, Love, Magic, Magnifying, Manager, Marriage, Me, Medicinal Metaphor, Mess, Minimal, MiniMart, Mirrors, Mocha, Mom, Moon, Morel mushrooms, Moving On, Mutt, My bad!, Nap, NASCAR 🏎, Naturalist, Noise Canceling Headphones, Not worth the headache, Nothing, Oops!, Organized, Overheated, Paid, Paranoid?, Parents, Past, Pepsi, Perfect Pair of Jeans, Pets, Pinkdom, Play nice, Playlist, Present, Purses, Quirk, Rationale, Relentless, Respect, Robin Williams, Room 406, Rose, SALE /not sale, Scorpio, Scott Stabille, Scrutiny, Senses, Shattered, Silence, Sisters, Skeleton, Skull, Snapple, Sneaky, Snow, Socks, Soul, Sun, Sunflower seeds, Sunrises, Sunsets, Superstition, Sweat 💦, Teaching, Tears 😭, Telepathy, Tradition!, Trees, Two Sides, Type A, Type B, Unconditional, Veterinarian, Warmth, White, Windows, Wow, Writing

Planning, Hoping & Fumes

I think that I have a friend or two who genuinely care about me and my illnesses.  I believe that I have some acquaintances who would be certain to talk to me if we were in the same place, coincidently.


Thanks to Pastor Trisha Peach, blog peacht, via Hypothyroid Mom, I caught a few of her comments to be very true for me, currently.

Like this… “It makes planning nearly impossible. Many humans take for granted that they will wake up feeling “normal”, go to work, go see friends, go to their child’s sports game – same as always. 🌅👩🏻‍🏫👩🏼‍⚕️👨🏼‍💻👩🏻‍🏫👩‍🎤👮🏻👯‍♂️

For someone battling a chronic illness, you just don’t know. Instead of “planning”, it’s more like “hoping”. You “hope” you wake up feeling ok, you “hope” you can make it through work, you “hope” you can make it through your child’s play…..and each event takes its toll on your energy and health.


You cannot predict the day before how you will feel. So the world makes plans and prepares for events and you…..”hope” to be a part of them.”

She goes on to write,  “It is not because you no longer care or because the event is not important to you or the person is not important to you. You are missing out because your body has given out.

In fact, your body may be 4 or 5 events PAST too many by the time you just give out. It’s like driving a car that is running out of gas….you lasted on fumes, but finally despite all your efforts, the fumes have run out. The gas pedal is all the way to the floor, but she’s not going any further.”


My doctor had requested some blood work from me…, which, upon return, explained a plethora of my health problems. She was speaking another language (Greek? Latin? Dr. Speak?), regardless I needed Google. And here I am. 🌎.

Meghan O’Rourke has an essay called “I had Autoimmune Disease and then it had me.”   It was printed in The New Yorker Magazine, Aug. 26, 2013.  It came up in a Google Search for Hypothyroidism.  She was speaking my language.


So, for my friends, I hope to keep our plans but I need to be full; not on fumes.

💩. I don’t even like me when I’m on fumes.  👺

Acceptance, Agree to disagree, Angels, Attitude, Autoimmune diseases, Awkward, Bills, bills, bills, Black, Books, Brat, Captain Obvious, Car, Cheetos, Cleanliness, College, Come to Jesus, Control, Cost, Crap!, Cry, Cups, Death, Diets, Education, Empty, Fate, Food, Fur-ever, Future, Galileo, Gene Wilder, Glass, Glimmer, Growth, Guns, Hashimotos, Hat, Husband, Hypothyroidism, Idiosyncrasy, Judge & Jury, Learning, Life, Life changes, Light, Lion, Literary Devices, Logic, Love, Magic, Magnifying, Marriage, Me, Mess, Minimal, Mirrors, Mom, Moon, Moving On, My bad!, Nap, NASCAR 🏎, Noise Canceling Headphones, Not worth the headache, Nothing, Oops!, Organized, Paranoid?, Parents, Past

Demolished 

I demolished my basement and left it like that for about two months.  Before that, I had destroyed my bedroom by “cleaning out my closet ” and putting it all (my closet inhabitants ex: pants, tops, sweaters, leggings, shoes and glitter) in my garden tub.  That took me about three months to go through and figure out which pieces I wanted to keep.  


This current demolition even got me raised eyebrows from one of my doctors.  My husband said he didn’t mind if it took me a week or so…  Hello, March!  My doctor who raised her eyebrows at me said, “Well it’s obvious that you’re ummm, errrr, (deep breath,  sigh …) punishing  the things that you own.  How much did you give away to your various charities?”


I donated a lot.  Like, a lot-a lot.  My husband has been a good sport with the garden tub.  But the basement, not so much.  We have carpet, I swear!  It’s just, like, not visible.  

He got really frustrated when he couldn’t get to the laundry room without using a mini path I made for him.  He stepped on one of my tall black boots (often) which has a wood 3 ” heel.  


I just couldn’t bring myself to putting it back together.  Was I punishing the basement or myself?  So far I had only touched my stuff.  I wonder if my husband was worried about his own stuff.


I avoided the basement at all costs; kinda like I’m avoiding the nasty banana’s on my kitchen counter.  If I acknowledge them, then I’ll become Betty Crocker of banana bread.  Booooooooooo


It’s Sunday and I have been napping off and on all day.  One of two things needs to happen today so that I don’t feel like a loser slug.  1. Basement.  2. Banana bread.

I’m voting for oats, banana bread, no nuts. There’s only one corner left to fix in the main basement/office area.  The guest room on the other hand…. duh, duh, dunnnnnnn.

26 letters, Acceptance, Agree to disagree, Air Conditioner, Alice Hoffman, Angels, Attitude, Autoimmune diseases, Awkward, Bai, Bare, Baseball, Beach Glass, Bills, bills, bills, Black, Books, Brat, Calculating, Candy, Captain Obvious, Car, Cheetos, Cleanliness, Click, Coke, College, Come to Jesus, Control, Cost, Crap!, Cry, Cups, Darwinist, Dean Koontz, Death, Diets, Education, Empty, Fate, Food, Football 🏈, Fur-ever, Future, Galileo, Gas Card, Gene Wilder, George Carlin, Glass, Glimmer, Growth, Guns, Hashimotos, Hat, Hot! Hot! Hot!, Husband, Hypothyroidism, I miss him, Idiosyncrasy, Judge & Jury, Learning, Libra, Life, Life changes, Light, Literary Devices, Logic, Long Distance, Love, Magic, Magnifying, Manager, Marriage, Me, Mess, Minimal, MiniMart, Mirrors, Mocha, Mom, Moon, Moving On, Mutt, My bad!, Nap, NASCAR 🏎, Naturalist, Noise Canceling Headphones, Not worth the headache, Nothing, Oops!, Organized, Overheated, Paid, Paranoid?, Parents, Past, Pepsi, Pets

“Whether or not you think I am, you’re right.”

Gggggggrrrrrrrrrrr

No reason to 

Yell “Booooooooo!” to all

That you do.

~

I know that today is

Going to be harsh.

My nerves are going crazy.

I’m on the edge

And there’s nothing hazy

Today.

~~

So I apologize for 

The clip in my tone,

The flip of my phone,

As I fling it across our home.

~

This is the best 

and most you will get 

From me right now.

~~

Yesterday’s physical assault 

from my own body

As well as the day before

Should have warned me 

that more is coming.

~

So I will bite my tongue

Before I regret what I

Will forget that I said 

When I let my mind off it’s rung.

26 letters, Acceptance, Agree to disagree, Air Conditioner, Alice Hoffman, Angels, Another Difranco, Attitude, Autoimmune diseases, Awkward, Bai, Bare, Baseball, Beach Glass, Bills, bills, bills, Black, Books, Brat, Calculating, Candy, Captain Obvious, Car, Cheetos, Cleanliness, Click, Coke, College, Come to Jesus, Control, Cost, Crap!, Cry, Cups, Darwinist, Dean Koontz, Death, Diets, Education, Empty, Fate, Food, Football 🏈, Fur-ever, Future, Galileo, Gas Card, Gene Wilder, George Carlin, Glass, Glimmer, Growth, Guns, Hashimotos, Hat, Hot! Hot! Hot!, Husband, Hypothyroidism, I miss him, Idiosyncrasy, Judge & Jury, Learning, Libra, Life, Life changes, Light, Literary Devices, Logic, Long Distance, Love, Magic, Magnifying, Manager, Marriage, Me, Mess, Minimal, MiniMart, Mirrors, Mocha, Mom, Moon, Moving On, Mutt, My bad!, Nap, NASCAR 🏎, Naturalist, Noise Canceling Headphones, Not worth the headache, Nothing, Oops!, Organized, Overheated, Paid, Paranoid?, Parents, Past, Pepsi, Pets, Pinkdom, Play nice, Playlist, Present, Purses, Quirk, Rationale, Relentless, Respect, Robin Williams, Room 406, SALE /not sale, Scorpio, Scott Stabille, Scrutiny, Senses, Shattered, Silence, Sisters, Snapple, Sneaky, Snow, Socks, Soul, Sun, Sunflower seeds, Sunrises, Sunsets, Superstition, Sweat 💦, Teaching, Tears 😭, Telepathy, Tradition!, Trees, Type A, Type B, Unconditional, Warmth, White, Windows, Wow, Writing

Big Things Become Little Things 

I was born and raised in the Valley of the Sun (Phoenix, AZ).  I was never able or willing to appreciate Arizona.  It was too hot and brown.  Some say that one can fry an egg on a si…

Source: Big Things Become Little Things 

Acceptance, Agree to disagree, Attitude, Baseball, Black, Books, Calculating, Captain Obvious, Click, Coke, Come to Jesus, Control, Cost, Crap!, Cups, Darwinist, Empty, Fate, Growth, Hat, Hot! Hot! Hot!, Idiosyncrasy, Judge & Jury, Life changes, Logic, Love, Mess, Minimal, My bad!, Naturalist, Not worth the headache, Nothing, Oops!, Organized, Paranoid?, Pepsi, Play nice, Quirk, Rationale, Relentless, Scrutiny, Shattered, Sneaky, Socks, Sunrises, Sunsets, Superstition, Tradition!, Type A, Type B, White, Wow

Superstition vs. Societal Acceptance

A lot is going on these days which seem to bring out some superstitious actions.  These demand a loyalty to commit to one thing instead of another.  This paradox is most recognizable in situations of one vs. another.  

Some examples are:  

  • Presidential Candidates, 
  • Sports
  • Gambling
  • Holiday Visits 
  • Religious beliefs 
  • Peanut butter brands

Given the most current example is that the Cubs (Chicago baseball ⚾️ team) won the World Series after 108 years.  They were cursed by a fan and his goat in 1908, many have blamed the lack of success on the curse.  Baseball has a lot of faith in superstitions; well at least from what I hear.

I don’t hear or read about superstitious football, hockey, or basketball players as often.  Baseball has always been known for their curses, cups, socks, mitts, hats facing this way or that, personal hygiene and of course the goat superstitions.  I don’t know why it is acceptable for the common fan to honestly believe in a curse or anything intangible which can determine the success as more than poppy cock.  Lets face it, this team got to where they are because it has talent.

My question is, when does the superstition end and habit/ muscle memory begin?  I’ve heard of a player who won’t change his socks if his team is in the playoffs until the playoffs are over. There are so many more examples from players and even more with the fans!   Thus this becomes a litany of random quirks and strange idiosyncrasies.  Don’t worry there is a camp for the naysayers.

Some of the odd superstitious habits in sports…

  • Never Step on the Foul Line
  • Leaving the Pitcher Alone in the Dugout
  • The Lucky Glove, Bat, Shirt, Hat or Necklace
  • Baseball: Nuke LaLoosh and Abstinence
  • Barry Bonds: Kissed the Cross on His Necklace After Each HR
  • Reggie Jackson: Wore the Same Helmet Even After He Switched Teams

And then there are the folks who could care less.  We all know them.  They are society  accepting minimalists in all things society assigns them; and  yet, still manages to be invited to join the fantasy league of the season, or even to bet on a potential end score -via a chart with numbers and names.   Is it the intention to turn Mr. Minimal into a believer by the souls who are embracing the fates of their own personal traditions?  Should we all be so open, yet closed minded?  Talk about a paradigm or shift!
We have all been privy to the presidential campaigns which have been riddled up with liable, slander and by violence.  The passions of some, clearly needing punishment by the passions of another.  Think about it!   

Never mind, I’ll just mention a few.  

  • Naturalist vs. Darwinist.  
  • Black vs. White.  
  • Rich vs. Poor.  
  • Coke vs. Pepsi.  

We are all in there somewhere; yet, we  are still tinged by the opposition.  There is no place that hasn’t been touched by the opponent.  Therefore claiming absolute belief in a team, beverage, church or brand is not realistic.

We are moved by weather and finances to find the geographical location we prefer  to inhabit; yet choose to cheer on a team outside of their current location. We are moved by the family roots to begin our own branch in the tree of life.  

It’s a tautology conundrum… why is the sky blue?  Because it reflects the oceans.  Then why are the oceans blue?  Darling, to reflect the sky, of course.  

Silly me.

Tautology conundrum

The Chicago Cubs beat not only their 108 year old curse; but also, the Cleveland Indians, last night.   I wonder if the win will be “enough” for the Cubs.  What will happen next year?  They certainly can’t blame a silly old goat for a failure.  Will the fans of either team change their beliefs and actions which represent their preference?  What is the real motivation for beliefs, idiosyncrasies, fate, and superstition? Is it a need to belong or a desire to connect with those of similar interests?

Fan Commitment -definitely not a Fair Weather Johnson

Which quirk will come to the forefront with the next round?  Or will the logic of removing the one’s quirk be replaced by  a new ornamental twist rationale?   Will it be able to entice the non-fan to choose a….(fill in the blank) _________ something, anything?  Will he/she collapse beneath society’s expectations and make a commitment (superstition, whole-heartedness and loyalty included)?  The money, time and sincere team support can be very draining.  Is it worth it when the season comes to an end (until next year)?  No pressure!

The Non-Fan Mentality